


come undone

by izzyasavestheday (stilessexual)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Everyone's human!, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 11:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9233339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stilessexual/pseuds/izzyasavestheday
Summary: Relief spread through Raphael, Simon’s closeness was a balm to the ache of the weeks spent without him.“Can I kiss you? Raphael, I’m so sorry, can I please kiss you?”When Simon gets hurt once again, Raphael is forced to revisit everything that separated them in the first place.(fix-it fic, human au)





	

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd!! sorry omg

Raphael ran.

“Shit,” he gasped as he slammed into someone. “I’m so sorry, excuse me.”

_The woman on the line hesitated before she continued “Mr. Santiago, your fiancé was in an accident.”_

_The very ground beneath Raphael’s feet shifted that moment._

_too soon, too soon._

_He can’t live through this again._

_“What?” he swallowed against the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry, what?”_

_“He’s alright,” the woman went on quickly, in response to the rising panic in his tone. “He broke his leg and has some bruised ribs, but he’s doing quite alright.”_

_Raphael pressed a hand to his mouth, nausea overwhelming him._

_“Mr. Santiago?”_

_He fumbled for his jacket and keys, miles away already._

_“Yeah,” he rasped. “Yeah. I’ll be there. I’m on my way.”_

He stumbled up to the nurse’s station.

“Can I help you?” The nurse politely asked.

“Simon Lewis,” he replied, panic crawling under his skin. He quickly realized how rude he was being. “I’m so sorry, yes, I’m looking for my fiancé Simon Lewis. He was in an accident?”

_fiancé fiancé fiancé_

She smiled kindly and typed away at the screen. His phone vibrated in his hand. He spared Magnus’ message a quick glance.

_Simon’s in the hospital. No need to panic but I thought you’d like to know._

Transparent. Raphael pressed his phone tightly to his mouth. He was so fucking transparent, it was pathetic.

“Ah, yes.” The nurse pointed right behind him. “Mr. Lewis is in the room right behind you, actually. We gave him some painkillers so he’s a bit groggy but other than a few bumps and bruises he’s doing just fine.”

Raphael nodded mechanically, “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

“He’s been a ray of sunshine, really.”

He snorted weakly. “Of course, he has.”

Every footfall felt heavy, an infinity in itself. 

God, Raphael was so tired.  

He opened the door, breath very nearly rattling out of him. 

“Simon?”  

Simon blinked up at him –beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Simon with his doe eyes and angel smile– mouth agape, shock reverberating through them both. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks, _weeks_ –not since Raphael ended it. The relief that spread to Raphael's fingers was a tangible thing. Who knew the very sight of someone could bring so much pain and comfort simultaneously. 

“The hospital called me,” Raphael explained haltingly. “I’m still your emergency contact.”

“Fuck,” Simon clenched his eyes closed. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think—

Raphael interrupted quickly, “What happened?”

Simon looked like he hadn’t shaved in days. Raphael knew him well enough to know that the bruise-like circles under his eyes were born from sleepless nights, not simply the product of the accident. “Some drunk guy swerved off the road and up on the sidewalk. Post New Year partying.”  

“Christ.” Raphael fell into the chair beside Simon’s bed. He covered his face with his hands and ignored the temptation to rock back and forth, against the relief of having Simon right there beside him. Alive, alive, alive. “ _Christ_ , you could’ve died. Again.”

There was no answer.

When Raphael looked up at him, Simon was watching him with an aching, aching intimate expression.

“Don’t do that,” Raphael rasped. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Simon ducked his head.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just—

“What?”

“You came. I didn’t think—

“What?” Raphael laughed humorlessly. “You thought I’d get a call about you in the fucking _hospital_ and I wouldn’t come –is that who you think I am—

“No, _No._ ” Simon replied, frown marring his tired face. “Never that, Raphael I just—

The door opened and a redheaded whirlwind came through.

“Simon, oh my god.” Clary exclaimed. She was a mess, police uniform wrinkled and loose on her small frame, and her usual protocol-neat bun had fallen apart, hair limp around her face. “I came as soon as I heard—

She stopped, much like Simon, mouth agape at the sight of Raphael.

“Raphael,” she breathed. “I didn’t realize you’d be here.”

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair, dislodging it of product. “No worries, I’m leaving.”

Raphael wanted to run, run, run. He wanted to leave. Raphael truly wished, profoundly, that he’d never loved Simon in the first place. Better to have loved and lost? Bullshit. _Bullshit_.

“Don’t leave,” Simon croaked.

At that moment, Raphael wished he’d never known happiness. 

Raphael rocked on his feet, “I’m glad you’re okay, Simon. I truly am.”

“Raphael, _Raphael_ —

He barely made it to his car before the hurricane that was Clarissa Fray came hurtling after him –all grabby hands and big wounded eyes.

“Don’t punish him for what I did.”

He glared at her small hand until she let him go.

Raphael and Clary’s breaths swirled between them

It was so cold. It was the type of cold that came right before snow and made your ribs ache. 

The red of Clary’s hair was vivid, vivid, vivid against the grey of the sky, and he, Raphael Santiago, hated her for what she’d done to them –to Raphael and Simon.

He hated Simon even more for allowing her the room to ruin them.

“I’m not punishing him,” He replied. Raphael wanted to tell Clary that he was only punishing himself, how did someone like Raphael truly think he deserved the happiness he found with Simon? “I’m not doing anything to him.”

“You can’t,” she started, clearly frustrated. “What you two had –what you _have._ ”

“Clary,” he interrupted. “Clary, you can’t build a relationship on this.”

“What,” she looked incredulous. “What the hell does that mean?”

“I can’t,” Raphael’s voice cracked, and he decided to fuck it all to hell –gut himself clean and bare it all to her. “I can’t be with someone who won’t pick me first –even when I begged them to.”

Her mouth fell open at the raw hurt in his tone.

“Raphael,” she whispered. “Raphael, no. This was about finding Camille, you have to understand that.”

He grimaced at her, ugly. “No, I don’t. _You_ needed to get Camille. You’re the cop, not Simon. He never should’ve been involved in the first place.”

“He just wanted to help—

“You,” Raphael said, firmly. “He just wanted to help _you_.”

“Camille was killing people, Raphael!”

“Exactly!” Raphael clutched at his hair. “God, do you hear yourself? She became fixated on Simon and instead of protecting him you abused his love for you to get to Camille! An IT guy! Clary, you shoved an IT guy into the line of fire and you nearly got him killed!”  

_“Oh, Raphael.” Camille laughed, icy icy icy, it travelled and made its way to the pit of Raphael’s stomach. An anchor. An illness that spread through him and left him for dead. “Did you really think you could escape this life? Escape me?”_

_The gun glinted against Simon’s temple –sick, he’d never forget the imprint of it against his lover’s head._

_Raphael was almost glad that Simon was out cold for this._

_“Camille,” He exhaled. “It’s me you want, right? So, take me.”_

_take me take me take me take me_

_“Get on your knees, Raphael," a wicked smile spread across her mouth, and Raphael wished that he'd killed her in his past life. “Beg for his life.”_

_Padre nuestro,_

_que estás en el cielo._

_Santificado sea tu nombre._

Clary blinked up at him.  

He went on, relentless. “You know that he’s not on speaking terms with his family since he came out. You know this. You know you and your mother are the only sense of normal –fuck, you’re the only family he has left and you abused that!”

Her eyes were suspiciously glassy. “How could you say that?”

If she cried, dear God after everything he’d seen her wither, if she dared cry at the wrong she’d committed.    

“Because I loved him. I loved him with my entire soul.” Raphael rasped, his fist slammed against his chest wish each awful word. “Because I was good for him and he was good for me, and you, _you_ Clary, took advantage of him and used our relationship, my connection to Camille, to get to her—

He trailed off at the sudden look of defeat on her face.

“I did,” she whispered. “God, I did.”

There was no victory here. He couldn't fight Clary when she wasn't lit up with the fire of her own self-righteousness. 

“I can’t do this with you,” he replied. “I won’t absolve you. Or Simon, for that matter. Let me be.”

She didn’t stop him from leaving this time around.

 ~*~*~*~

Simon hobbling in the middle of his apartment at the break of dawn was a miracle.

It was one of Raphael’s better dreams.

It was everything he’d been wishing for.

“What,” Raphael rubbed his hands against his tired eyes. “Simon, you can’t just use your key to barge in here. We’re not together anymore.”

Simon flinched like the words hurt him.

God knows they killed Raphael.

“I know. I’m really sorry I swear I wouldn’t have but I just,” Simon smiled, brilliant, beautiful, aching. Raphael loved him so dearly. “I just –I talked to Clary. We had a long talk about everything that happened—

“Sit down.”

“What?”

Raphael’s jaw worked, minutely.

“Get off your fucking leg, Simon.”

“Oh!” Simon said. “Right, yes.”

He sat down slowly, clenched a throw pillow between shaking hands. Raphael sat down at the other end of the couch.

Silence, silence, silence.

“Well?” Raphael bit out through numb lips. All Raphael could see was the glint of the gun at Simon’s temple, the way his head lolled like he'd never wake up again. All Raphael could feel was the sting of the concrete under his knees as he begged for his lover’s life.

“Clary and Jocelyn were all I had for a good while,” Simon said. “I mean, I was only eighteen when I –fuck, when everything—“

“I know this, Simon.” Raphael interrupted, not unkindly.

“I know,” Simon whispered, sad sad sad smile on his beautiful lips. “I’m just trying to get you to understand why I—“

Raphael rolled his eyes, despite his the hurt. “For Clarissa, Simon. That’s why you throw yourself into danger time and time again with no regard for anything--"

“Jesus,” Simon exhaled. “Of course I did it for Clary! She was all I had!”

“You had me!” Raphael yelled. “You always had me!”

It was snowing, Raphael realized. Simon still had flakes melting in his hair.

Simon laughed, wet and ugly.

“Raphael,” Raphael always secretly thought that Simon whispered his name like a prayer. “ _Raphael_ , you came into my life so suddenly and I couldn’t believe –I just, I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to be loved by someone like you. Loved so completely. I thought the universe was playing one huge cosmic joke on me and that you’d leave me at the first sign of how screwed up I was.”

“That doesn’t,” Raphael started. “Simon, that doesn’t justify anything.”

“I know, I swear to god I know.”

“I told you,” Raphael’s voice broke, despite him. He felt the burn of tears in his throat at the memories of everything he’d gone through. “I told you everything about Camille. I told you about what she did to me. To Magnus. I told you what she was capable of.”

Simon inched across the couch and clenched Raphael’s shaking hands in his.

Simon had the most beautiful eyes.

“I know,” Simon whispered. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I’m sorry I betrayed your trust. I’m sorry you had to see her again –I’m so fucking sorry I put you in such an awful position. I love Clary, I do, but I’m so sorry I let her convince me this was okay. I’ll never be sorry enough for it.”

Raphael couldn’t help the aching sob that crawled out of him. “You nearly died. I nearly lost you.”

Simon inched closer still, their foreheads pressed together.

Relief spread through Raphael, Simon’s closeness was a balm to the ache of the weeks spent without him.

“Can I kiss you? Raphael, I’m so sorry, can I please kiss you?”

Desperate, desperate, desperate Raphael nodded against Simon’s mouth.

He kissed him, he kissed him, he kissed him slow slow slow. The gentle press of their lips was sacred in the quiet of that dawn.

Simon’s holy hands slid up, up, up Raphael’s arms, the sensitive bit at the base of his neck, and tangled in the strands of his hair.

“I missed you,” Simon pressed the words into Raphael’s mouth. He tasted the salt of Simon’s tears on his tongue. “God, I’ve never missed anything the way I missed you.”

Raphael’s fingers clenched in the fabric of Simon’s shirt, ever so careful of his bruised ribs. He pressed his face in the crook of Simon’s neck and shoulder, shuddering. He willed the familiar scent of his lover to calm the painful sobs that wracked through him.

"Never again, Simon. Never again." 

“I’m so sorry,” Simon rasped. “I can’t say it enough, Raphael but I promise to spend the rest of our lives doing better, just—

Simon ducked his head down to meet Raphael’s red-rimmed eyes.

“Just, please forgive me.” Simon’s voice broke something _awful_. “Raphael, we are so good. Please, please give me a chance.”

“Okay,” Raphael nodded, suddenly overwhelmingly exhausted. “Okay, mi sol.”

“A chance," Simon whispered. "I know all isn't forgiven but I promise, I promise I will do better by you." 

Raphael’s hands had been so empty.  His bed had been so cold. His home had never felt so lonely until he existed without Simon.

He loved him. He loved him. Raphael loved him.

Simon slid his hands into his pocket and revealed Raphael’s engagement ring.

Simon’s voice wavered. “Forgive me enough to still marry me?”

Raphael pressed their foreheads together tightly.

“Yes,” he rasped. “God, yes. A thousand times yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading :')


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